#Dear Me

Dear 12 year old me,
Writing you a letter is harder than I thought it would be.
There is so much I have to say to you and so much you have to figure out for yourself.
The first thing I want to say, the thing I think you need to hear the most is:
It gets better.
Things are bad right now I know but hold on for just a few month longer.
You will discover the internet and suddenly have friends you can trust.
You will find stories and people who inspire you.
You will start writing and reading more again.
You just changed schools and your parents just divorced.
You are still being bullied, not as bad as before, but it still is not nice.
You don't want to talk to your mom, she is upset enough as it is. (And you know because she is always crying on your shoulder, no need to add to her worries)
Your headaches have started to get bad.
Get used to always carrying painkillers because they are not going away for a long time and they are always the worst when you can't do anything about it.
(Actually that is a lie. They are stress related. But you are calmer when you have painkillers, so have them with you always)
Trust people, please.
I know it is hard with everyone laughing at you.
Please find someone to trust. (Go to your grandma. She loves you always and she knows where you are coming from).
Trust someone and talk to them.
It would be so much easier if we had actually done that the first time around.
I still can't talk about my feeling easily but I have to. Learn to do it now, when you are young and have just started to close yourself off, breaking through your shell will be much harder later.
Stop believing that you have to limit and change yourself to be beautiful.
You rock.
Buy boy clothes, buy girl clothes. When you wear your butterfly jacket and your peacock earrings and feel amazing don't let the mean girls get you down.
(If you do you will never wear the earrings again. You will grow out of the jacket and miss it. It was really pretty)
When you are smart and good at science, don't let them use you. Don't give them all the answers because you want them to like you. (Don't be selfish either, teach them if they want to learn, share tricks but don't to their work for them. They are laughing at you)
Respect yourself.
You are worth it and not many people will, at least for a little while longer.
Smile every day.
You will cry almost every day. Your classmates will make you, your mom will make you, your grandparents will make you.
Find reasons to laugh and smile, you will feel better after you laughed.
Find a sport that is fun to you.
(Maybe try yoga. You like it now.)
It will make things easier down the line.
Don't obsess about your weight.
There will always be skinnier girls than you, you are not even sure if you were built to be skinny in a couple of years. It is not worth obsessing over.
Find a sport you like because you could be fitter, not because you could be thinner.
Have fun with it. 

Love,

Your 19 year old self (who is really happy right now)



Dear 12 year old me.
The short version.
1. It gets better. Just stick with it.
2. Trust people. Talk to them. Find someone for that.
3. Balance your selflessness with selfishness.

4. Smile everyday. There are too many reasons to cry.

4. Respect yourself and your limits. For a long time no one but you will.

5. You are beautiful. 

6. You are strong.
7. Find a sport that you enjoy. Being healthy is good. (You are okay, I know. it could be better)

8. Always carry painkillers, pads and tampons. Always have spare hair ties. Girls have to stick together (and you WILL need them yourself... so...)
9. Don't forget to have fun!

Love,
your 19 year old self, who took a long time to learn these lessons

#Dear me is a tag on youtube.
I saw a bunch of of videos and I loved them. I knew that I would want to write to my 12 year old self. It was a pretty bad time in my live and I could have used some encouragement. I am not brave enough to actually film a video and post it on youtube so I just wrote the letter on here.
This is really nice.

Semi active Au Pair blog.

So...
This has been dead for quite a while.
It probably should not have been.
I have been blogging about anything USA (and therefore Au Pair related) over on the blog I made for that before I ever left.
And which I then forgot to mention anywhere.
So if you want to know what happend in my life in the last 8 or so month head over to:

http://chibiandthewidewideworld.blogspot.com/

Family

I don't have many relatives.
My mom is a single child, my dad has a brother who just married last year and probably will never have children.
I have a ton of super distant relatives I speak to semi regularly on my mom's side and some on my dad's. I don't think they really are family though.
I don't care about them all that much.

I always thought my family was small. And when my parents broke up I used to think that I had to hold the family together for my sister.
Comforting my mom, calling my dad, planning, hugging, smiling and pretending to be fine.

I have never cried because my parents broke up when anyone who mattered could have seen.
I did have a break down in school once and could not stop crying for nearly 45 minutes but I am not sure if that counts.

I have realized that my family is way bigger than I thought it was.
Sure it is my parents, my grandparents, my dad's wife (not my mom's boyfriend though, not because I can't stand him, he could still be family, but because he does not want to be my family. He is my mom's family and my sisters family but I am not welcome in his family so he is not welcome in mine), it is my sister and my still unborn brother.
But it is also my best friend and her family. I have four little siblings. They all know that they can call me anytime.
I am protective of my family. I want them to be happy, I need to make sure they are save, I get restless when I can't.

Tonight my sister came home drunk (and that is okay. I don't drink but she can if she wants) and at first it was funny. I mean sure I helped her to get into bed and made sure she was safe but... it was also funny.
I want to cry right now. Some part of my brain worries about all the things that could have happened to her, that could still happen to her. I fight the urge to check on her.
I probably will right before I go to bed for good.

My family also includes the friends I can only see online. If you see this post you are probably included. Please know that you can always contact me.
I love you and I want you to be happy.
If you need to talk, I will always listen. If you need advise I will do my damn best to give it to you.


Family does not end with blood. Family does not have to be the people you are related with.
You can find your own family.
It won't be perfect. As Stitch said: It is small, it is broken but I found it all on my own. It is still good.
At least I think it was something like that.
I found my family. It will probably grow as the years go by. Maybe people will drop from the face of the earth and stop speaking to me.
They will still be my family.
Know you can always return. I will always love you.

Writing

I have two out of three finals down, am nearly done with my au pair application and ... I don't have anything to write right now.
It feels weird. I feel like I am floating but ... not really in a good way. I feel lost.

So now I have decided I am going to do a rewrite this year. I could think of new plots, I probably even have a lot of new plots lying around somewhere but... I want to do a rewrite.

I am not sure which story I am going to choose yet. I will decide today and start on it.

I don't even know anymore

So. I will graduate at the end of March.
I am not sure if I am ready for that.

I am done with school. I can't get up for first period every day anymore, I can't see my classmates every day anymore...
But... I am not ready to not have school anymore either because going to school is easy.

I love learning to. I love discussing books and solving problems and discussing history.

On monday I have my first final. Finals for graduation are similar to A-Levels and I will start writing some time around 8 am and finish some time around 12 after 4 hours of writing.
And then I will have to count words.
I feel like I should study for english but I am not sure how .... What should I do?
I know what all the books we read were about. I know grammar and spelling, I can read quickly and accuratly and I don't need to know anything else.
Sitting around not studying feels bad and wrong though. I might just try studying for Physics instead...
I need to study for Physics a lot.

On tuesday I don't have school because we have finals till the 29th and we don't have school if we don't have a final to take.
So I will have a doctors appointment and hopefully get my medical form filled out so I make progress for my Au Pair application.

I am still not done. I am constantly trying to finally finish, to finally start waiting for a host family but I still have so many things to do before that.

On Wednesday I will start studying for Geography. I still have seven days to study for geography then and I already know most of what I need to know.

On the weekend I will go to my best friends house to study for Physics because I need help and I know that her dad will be able to help me.

Before that I want to have finished my Application... And technically think I should be able to do that...

I also have made cookies today.. and they turned out great... and nearly the way I intended. That was good.
I try to read Lord of the Rings but it takes forever and... I am scared of the future. I feel lonely. I feel like I have to get a lot of things done.
I don't really know what.

Update and stuff

I will just blog in english because it seems easier right now.
I am not overthinking every single sentence when I am writing in english.

So I got my wisdom teeth removed and was really really freaked out beforehand and then there was Chris back again, calming me down.
I have not seen very much of him lately but that is okay. He was there when I needed it and that was fine.

Currently I worry about everything. About things I have not done and things I have done, mostly things I have had no control over and that I not really good.
I almost constantly have a bad feeling in my stomach and if I don't distract myself I might just start crying.
This is very good.


On September 1st my dash filled up with Harry Potter and since I have no time to do a reread of the series I watch all the films.
That is slightly quicker.
(Also I can knit while watching the films but I can't do that while I read)

I am knitting a hufflepuff scarf and it turns out quite decent.
I am really proud of it and I will finish mine rather soon hopefully and then I will start another hufflepuff scarf, which will be a present for my best friend.
I won't show it my mother anymore... She critizised everything I did with it so far and that is really really annoying and I kind of hate her for that. Not really obviously but a tiny little bit...

My grandma taught me how to sew and while I messed up quite a bit she was only ever encouraging and that felt really really nice to be honest.
I like her a lot.
She is very nice.

I used that new skill to sew a Handy pocket for my other grandma and I will also make a laptop bag eventually.
I just need to buy the fabric and am kind of broke right now.

I bought 2 biographies because I meant to read more biographies and those were in the bargin section and sounded interesting...
I left them in school because I had no space in my backpack anymore....

English class is still my favourite class but I am getting better at Physics so that is okay too and history is really interesting this year.
I mostly like school... just not absolutly loving it...


(I love Oliver Woods accent...)

Für Jule

Irgendwie vor langer Zeit hat Jule nach einem HG/SS Oneshot gefragt.
Heute hat Jule irgendwie einen HG/SS oneshot bekommen. ich bin nicht sicher ob er gut ist. aber er ist geschrieben und eigentlich vielleicht nicht schlecht

When Hermione was four years old
Auntie Helen gave her a book but no one had time to read it to her.
It was Matilda by Ronald Dahl.

When Hermione was six years old
she sat in class, playing with her pencils.
She was far ahead.

When Hermione was eleven years old
she went to Hogwarts, having no friends.
She went to the library.

When Hermione was twelve years old,
something turned students into stone.
She went to the library and did research on it.

When Hermione was thirteen years old
they threatened to kill Buckbeak.
Hermione would hear none of it, she helped him.

When Hermione was fourteen years old
her best friend was suddenly taking part in the Tri-Wizard tournament.
She prepared him as well as she could.

When Hermione was fifteen years old
she did not read when she was told to read.
She talked back at Umbridge.

When Hermione was sixteen years old
Harry used the book of the Half Blood Prince to cheat.
Hermione disapproved.

When Hermione was seventeen years old
she left Hogwarts to fight Voldemort.
She carried a small library around in her bag.

When Hermione was nineteen years old
Ron asked her why she needed all the books in her room.
She broke up with him.

When Hermione was twenty years old
she went to Muggle University.
She wanted to become an doctor.

When Hermione was twenty one years old
she realized that most boys did not like smart girls.
She used her free time to get far ahead of everyone again.

When Hermione was twenty two years old
she went to the same bookshop the same time every week.
She always met Snape.

When Hermione was twenty three years old
she discussed every book she read with Severus.
She realized that she might be in love with him.

When Hermione was twenty four years old
she graduated from medical school
She went on to learn how to be a healer.

When Hermione was twenty five years old
she moved in with Severus.
There were book shelves in every room.

When Hermione was twenty eight years old
she bought lots of picture books.
She was pregnant for the first time.

When Hermione was thirty years old
there were stacks of books all over their flats.
They decided to move.

When Hermione was thirty five years old
their library spread out of the room they had intended it to be in.
They had all kinds of books.

When Hermione was fourty years old
she received a letter from her daughter.
She had just seen the Hogwarts library for the first time and fallen in love with it.

When Hermione was seventy years old
her grandson shouted at her because everything was about books.
She bought a TV but it went unused most of the time.

When Hermione was ninety years old
they still bought new books all the time.
Their collection was nearly as big as the one in Hogwarts.

When Hermione was one hundred and ten years old
her eyesight got really bad.
Severus started reading to her.

When Hermione was one hundred and twenty years old
Severus started shouting.
He slowly lost his hearing.

When Hermione was one hundred and fourty years old
she was always tired.
It was time for the next big adventure.

When Hermione was dead
they read a book on her funeral.
It was Matilda by Ronald Dahl

When Hermione was long dead
her great great grandson visited her grave, looking for a quiet place to read.
He held an old copy of Matilda. It was Hermione's.