Family

I don't have many relatives.
My mom is a single child, my dad has a brother who just married last year and probably will never have children.
I have a ton of super distant relatives I speak to semi regularly on my mom's side and some on my dad's. I don't think they really are family though.
I don't care about them all that much.

I always thought my family was small. And when my parents broke up I used to think that I had to hold the family together for my sister.
Comforting my mom, calling my dad, planning, hugging, smiling and pretending to be fine.

I have never cried because my parents broke up when anyone who mattered could have seen.
I did have a break down in school once and could not stop crying for nearly 45 minutes but I am not sure if that counts.

I have realized that my family is way bigger than I thought it was.
Sure it is my parents, my grandparents, my dad's wife (not my mom's boyfriend though, not because I can't stand him, he could still be family, but because he does not want to be my family. He is my mom's family and my sisters family but I am not welcome in his family so he is not welcome in mine), it is my sister and my still unborn brother.
But it is also my best friend and her family. I have four little siblings. They all know that they can call me anytime.
I am protective of my family. I want them to be happy, I need to make sure they are save, I get restless when I can't.

Tonight my sister came home drunk (and that is okay. I don't drink but she can if she wants) and at first it was funny. I mean sure I helped her to get into bed and made sure she was safe but... it was also funny.
I want to cry right now. Some part of my brain worries about all the things that could have happened to her, that could still happen to her. I fight the urge to check on her.
I probably will right before I go to bed for good.

My family also includes the friends I can only see online. If you see this post you are probably included. Please know that you can always contact me.
I love you and I want you to be happy.
If you need to talk, I will always listen. If you need advise I will do my damn best to give it to you.


Family does not end with blood. Family does not have to be the people you are related with.
You can find your own family.
It won't be perfect. As Stitch said: It is small, it is broken but I found it all on my own. It is still good.
At least I think it was something like that.
I found my family. It will probably grow as the years go by. Maybe people will drop from the face of the earth and stop speaking to me.
They will still be my family.
Know you can always return. I will always love you.

Writing

I have two out of three finals down, am nearly done with my au pair application and ... I don't have anything to write right now.
It feels weird. I feel like I am floating but ... not really in a good way. I feel lost.

So now I have decided I am going to do a rewrite this year. I could think of new plots, I probably even have a lot of new plots lying around somewhere but... I want to do a rewrite.

I am not sure which story I am going to choose yet. I will decide today and start on it.

I don't even know anymore

So. I will graduate at the end of March.
I am not sure if I am ready for that.

I am done with school. I can't get up for first period every day anymore, I can't see my classmates every day anymore...
But... I am not ready to not have school anymore either because going to school is easy.

I love learning to. I love discussing books and solving problems and discussing history.

On monday I have my first final. Finals for graduation are similar to A-Levels and I will start writing some time around 8 am and finish some time around 12 after 4 hours of writing.
And then I will have to count words.
I feel like I should study for english but I am not sure how .... What should I do?
I know what all the books we read were about. I know grammar and spelling, I can read quickly and accuratly and I don't need to know anything else.
Sitting around not studying feels bad and wrong though. I might just try studying for Physics instead...
I need to study for Physics a lot.

On tuesday I don't have school because we have finals till the 29th and we don't have school if we don't have a final to take.
So I will have a doctors appointment and hopefully get my medical form filled out so I make progress for my Au Pair application.

I am still not done. I am constantly trying to finally finish, to finally start waiting for a host family but I still have so many things to do before that.

On Wednesday I will start studying for Geography. I still have seven days to study for geography then and I already know most of what I need to know.

On the weekend I will go to my best friends house to study for Physics because I need help and I know that her dad will be able to help me.

Before that I want to have finished my Application... And technically think I should be able to do that...

I also have made cookies today.. and they turned out great... and nearly the way I intended. That was good.
I try to read Lord of the Rings but it takes forever and... I am scared of the future. I feel lonely. I feel like I have to get a lot of things done.
I don't really know what.