Auch hier finde ich die Stimmung eigentlich sehr gelungen und meine, dass man an der Schreibe selber noch viel tun kann.
Und ich nutze hier für die 2 (?) Sachen, die ich vergessen habe, auch wenn ich mir nicht sicher bin, dass mir beide wieder einfallen.
Ich hätte sie aufschreiben sollen....
Sache 1 war Fahrstunde.
Es läuft fast gut, auch wenn ich miese Tage zwischendrin hab.
Hoffentlich kann ich am 13. Prüfung machen... das werde ich sehen. Ich werde vorher vor Nervösität sterben, soviel ist sicher. Ich hoffe nur Chris ist bei mir. Nicht umbedingt um zu helfen, weil ich das alleine können will, aber um DA zu sein. Als Freund und Beruhiger und Tröster und Mitfreuer und so ziemlich einziger Mensch, der sich mit mir freut, den ich ohne Internet erreichen kann. Großartig.
Ich bin ja sooo beliebt.
Aber genug davon.
Nummer 2: Fiveawesomegirls? .... nein. Ich glaube nicht.
Verdammt. Wie war das mit aufschreiben? .... Ich muss es echt noch lernen aufzuschreiben.
Vielleicht war es das Buch. Jetzt ist es 98% fertig und könnte eingeweiht werden. Aber ich glaube ich hebe es auf. Es ist sooo schön geworden, ich bin soooo stolz drauf, das glaubt ihr gar nicht.
Das nächste wird vielleicht schon gefilmt und dann auch viel ordentlicher gemacht.
Obwohl das was ich habe schon ziemlich awesome ist.
Ich werde morgen Fotos machen, jetzt ist das Licht mehr als scheiße.
(Jetzt kam ein Campeintrag doch erst um 11... ich lerne es nicht mehr.)
AUSZUG:
Erik did not knew what set that night apart. Basically there was nothing
that made this night any different from any other nights.
Maybe that was what made it so horrible.
Maybe the lack of sleep and the nightmares finally got him, maybe it was because he woke up in J’s bed crying, in the middle of the night.
Waking up there was nothing new, Erik had to admit he spent most nights there if he even tried to go to bed instead of simply not leaving the sofa till he was too tired to stay awake another second.
if he went to bed he tried to go to his own and sometimes even managed to fall asleep there.
Only to get up 10 minutes later and move to J’s room.
Most times he did not even bother arguing with himself.
After all there was no one there to see him clinging to pillow and blanket as if they could replace J or bring him back.
After all there was no one who teased him about sleeping in the wrong bed like J liked to do when neither of them could remember which room was with or when J left for a long time and Erik started to feel lonely.
J had always managed to come back when he was fast asleep hugging to blanket and hiding underneath the pillow.
Erik hoped he would come too, now he was waiting for it.
He slept in J’s bed and that helped a lot.
But a lot was simply not enough.
There were still nightmares and “I will never” s and “I have never” s as well and they all came when he slept.
Maybe that was what made it so horrible.
Maybe the lack of sleep and the nightmares finally got him, maybe it was because he woke up in J’s bed crying, in the middle of the night.
Waking up there was nothing new, Erik had to admit he spent most nights there if he even tried to go to bed instead of simply not leaving the sofa till he was too tired to stay awake another second.
if he went to bed he tried to go to his own and sometimes even managed to fall asleep there.
Only to get up 10 minutes later and move to J’s room.
Most times he did not even bother arguing with himself.
After all there was no one there to see him clinging to pillow and blanket as if they could replace J or bring him back.
After all there was no one who teased him about sleeping in the wrong bed like J liked to do when neither of them could remember which room was with or when J left for a long time and Erik started to feel lonely.
J had always managed to come back when he was fast asleep hugging to blanket and hiding underneath the pillow.
Erik hoped he would come too, now he was waiting for it.
He slept in J’s bed and that helped a lot.
But a lot was simply not enough.
There were still nightmares and “I will never” s and “I have never” s as well and they all came when he slept.
He kept them away the best he could during the day.
Occasionally they would show up and he would be thinking about J a lot but the nights where the worst.
If he could make anything go away it would be the nights.
He dreaded for one nights sleep peaceful sleep without waking up at least 3 times.
This time when he woke up he was crying and shaking.
He hugged the blanket even more tightly, not sure that was possible.
Somehow he managed to do so. It did not even smell like J anymore.
How was it possible to miss someone that much?
Erik asked himself.
Occasionally they would show up and he would be thinking about J a lot but the nights where the worst.
If he could make anything go away it would be the nights.
He dreaded for one nights sleep peaceful sleep without waking up at least 3 times.
This time when he woke up he was crying and shaking.
He hugged the blanket even more tightly, not sure that was possible.
Somehow he managed to do so. It did not even smell like J anymore.
How was it possible to miss someone that much?
Erik asked himself.
Of course they had a lot in common and they were friends and they shared
everything with each other.
Hell, they even practiced kissing with each other. Only to be prepared later on of course but if Erik knew someone inside out it had to be J.
And the other way round.
Now J was gone. Erik would never come back into the flat after a really bad day in college and only say “hello” to be hugged and brought to the sofa because J already knew what was going on.
He would never ever again have a secret crush on someone and suddenly the person would talk to him. Because J had done something without embarrassing him.
He would never forget about a paper and have someone staying up with him all night, making cookies and preparing coffee and making Erik laugh when he needed a break,.
they would never again sit on the swings in the playground, swinging, just because they remembered how they used to try and find out who could jump the highest only to be told of because J broke his arm during this game.
He would never sit in school writing a test for J because he could not move his arm, secretly helping him this way and getting away with it.
Hell, they even practiced kissing with each other. Only to be prepared later on of course but if Erik knew someone inside out it had to be J.
And the other way round.
Now J was gone. Erik would never come back into the flat after a really bad day in college and only say “hello” to be hugged and brought to the sofa because J already knew what was going on.
He would never ever again have a secret crush on someone and suddenly the person would talk to him. Because J had done something without embarrassing him.
He would never forget about a paper and have someone staying up with him all night, making cookies and preparing coffee and making Erik laugh when he needed a break,.
they would never again sit on the swings in the playground, swinging, just because they remembered how they used to try and find out who could jump the highest only to be told of because J broke his arm during this game.
He would never sit in school writing a test for J because he could not move his arm, secretly helping him this way and getting away with it.
No one would finish his sentences anymore while he was telling
spookstories.
The tears were falling down his face as he felt more lonely than he ever
had. Sure he still had friends and somewhere in the living room Jane was
sleeping and she needed his help.
But why was he still doing this?
why was he fighting the pain, trying to continue living when he had been killed, at least part of him had been killed?
He should give up.
Erik had made his decision. He would not fight the pain anymore he would make it go away.
But why was he still doing this?
why was he fighting the pain, trying to continue living when he had been killed, at least part of him had been killed?
He should give up.
Erik had made his decision. He would not fight the pain anymore he would make it go away.
But after he made that decision everything felt worse.
It was the wrong decision. Erik knew that and he also knew that J would
not approve of his thoughts, that he would shake him, slap him until he
promised to take care of himself.
He promised it. He swore it, silently in the dead of the night, he swore
J not to give up because that was what they did. Never giving up.
There was nothing he would not have promised J if he had asked.
Even if he had asked him to spent the rest of his live with J and with J alone he would gladly have said yes.
Because it was J.
His exception to all his rules, His nobody in “I want to see nobody”.
He kept crying because J would not come back, no matter what he promised him.
That was no fight they had had, that was no game between kids to see how much they meant to each other.
It was the truth. The horrible and unchangeable truth. J was dead and it did not even matter if he was murdered. Because catching the murderer would change nothing, would mean nothing.
There was nothing he would not have promised J if he had asked.
Even if he had asked him to spent the rest of his live with J and with J alone he would gladly have said yes.
Because it was J.
His exception to all his rules, His nobody in “I want to see nobody”.
He kept crying because J would not come back, no matter what he promised him.
That was no fight they had had, that was no game between kids to see how much they meant to each other.
It was the truth. The horrible and unchangeable truth. J was dead and it did not even matter if he was murdered. Because catching the murderer would change nothing, would mean nothing.
Erik would tell himself that it meant everything when he knew it meant
nothing.
Finally he fell asleep, still crying.
Finally he fell asleep, still crying.
His dreams were more peaceful this time and when he got up he would never
give up again.
He know it would not be easy though, he would still have to fight and he would still be looking for the murderer.
He might be able to stop in a few weeks, no matter if he reached something or if he did not, but for now he needed the search to hold on to as meaningless as it were.
He know it would not be easy though, he would still have to fight and he would still be looking for the murderer.
He might be able to stop in a few weeks, no matter if he reached something or if he did not, but for now he needed the search to hold on to as meaningless as it were.
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